That's what our 9-year-old daughter, Clara, told me just before bed last night. I'm nearly certain she locked down a core memory last night. She had her opening performance of her 4th grade musical, "Santa's Holiday Hoedown". When she said this to me, I felt like I won a parenting gold medal. But first, some back story...
Our oldest daughter, Clara, is very often referred to as a miniature version of me. Usually in reference to our best qualities but I see the not so shiny ones too, more specifically, our anxiety. Ever since Clara was a toddler, I began to take special note of her anxious tendencies and I'd be lying if I said they didn't trigger something in me from my childhood. Knowing what I know now and how openly our society is beginning to discuss mental health, I realize I had pretty severe anxiety as a kid. But I always just thought there was something wrong with me for being so scared all the time and tried to hide the fear behind a lifetime of perfectionist tendencies. News flash, it wasn't a great coping mechanism. I'm putting in the very hard work now of unlearning those tendencies and I'm proud of the progress I'm making. But for now, back to my sweet Clara.
A year ago Clara had a speaking part in her 3rd grade musical. It was one line, in one scene, and she practiced and practiced and practiced hoping to get it perfect. On opening night of the show, she was an anxious ball of nerves and I would have given anything to take some of those nerves from her. I could tell watching her, she was so very scared and I just wanted to save her from the moment. But that's the scary part of being a parent, we have to let them go out into the world on their own, to win or lose. Well, I thought she did great on her line last year. She let me know she messed up slightly, afterward she breathed a huge sigh of relief. Clara told me she thought she would want to audition for more lines for the 4th grade musical. I was just glad "we" made it through this one.
Flash forward to about a month or two ago, Clara is now in 4th grade and working so hard to build her confidence all around. She told me they were starting auditions for the musical and she'd be trying out for several parts. My stomach twisted up in knots. How many parts? Were they too hard? Could she remember them all? What if she's rejected? On and on my fears tried to spiral. I had to sit back and follow her lead as she walked me through the audition process. She got call backs for some parts but not for others. Finally, she was in her last round of call backs for the final part she was pursuing, counting down the days to finding out if she got the part. I was a nervous wreck the day of the announcement, waiting to get her from the bus stop to read the expression on her face. She stepped off the bus and there's nothing, no sign one way or another. So I'm playing it "cool" and waiting for her to bring it up. What seemed like an eternity later she casually mentions she got the part! What?!? You got the part!! Congratulations!!! Oh no, she got the part...what if she messes up? What if she gets embarrassed? And so it goes with an anxious mind...
I've experienced so much growth over the last several years but I tell you what, it is exhausting. I'm tired, and feel like I'm only scratching the surface. What I have gotten really skilled at is recognizing when these emotional spirals are starting and acknowledging them. Saying hey to the fear, worry, shame, etc...hanging out with them a bit. But then moving forward. Huge credit goes to my house flipping coach, Debbie DeBerry, and her program for teaching us so much mindset magic. We cannot make solid business decisions, or really any decisions, from an emotional space. For a highly sensitive person to finally learn not to hide all those emotions, but to make space for them has been a massive win for me. And one I can now pass on to my sensitive Clara.
So, I felt the fears, hers and mine, but let Clara lead the way around this whole process. Yesterday comes around and I'm sitting back to support in any way she needs me. Turns out, it wasn't much. She was confident in her lines and timing, over the top exciting about her country-western elf costume, and thrilled about playing in my makeup to get show ready. The only note I had for her was to try and slow down and enjoy the moment. I can tell when she's overly anxious because she gets wound tight and runs through the motions to get out of the discomfort. My only suggestion for her was to try to not let the nerves make her rush through things and miss all the fun along the way. She took my note to heart and was the calmest I've ever seen her before any social event, let alone before performing in front of hundreds of people. She absolutely nailed her parts. But more than anything, she looked like she was having a blast doing it. I could not have been happier for her.
Just look at her smiling face from before the show!
That's a kicker with parenting though. We don't want them to be striving for our approval, I know firsthand how that can be a let down when you look for everyone's approval before your own. So in addition to saying, "I'm proud of you" I also say, "Are you proud of yourself?"...
"I'm so, so, so, sooooo proud of myself." - Clara
Can you say the same to yourself? I hope so. I'm happy to report I truly can and do say that to myself daily. It hasn't come easy, but after years of intentional living I'm so proud of myself. I'm proud of my personal growth, my business growth, my growth as a parent, spouse, friend, family and community member. Parenting is the biggest motivator for pursuing growth, now we are responsible for raising these tiny humans! We have a long road to go but this feels like a pretty solid foundation.
A couple months ago I made a post announcing my plan to start a blog, and the desire to write came about while setting up Clara's new bedroom. I've been trying to follow my gut and write what feels authentic at the time. I'm confident I'll be able to keep this conversation going about Clara and her special new room in Part 2 of this post, coming soon.
For now, I'm proud of you. I hope you are too.
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